“At times, our light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us.”
Growing up as a concert pianist in a Korean household, I was steeped in a culture of “good-for-you” criticism instead of praise. This “criticism as inspiration” mindset and the relentless pursuit of perfection became my guiding star.
Even a single mistake during a performance would send me into a spiral of negativity. All too often, I'd brush aside genuine compliments, zeroing in only on my perceived shortcomings.
This tendency wasn't limited to the stage—it spilled over into my personal relationships. An offhand critique would often outweigh words of genuine appreciation.
In my 20s, a mentor shared that life is like a party with many people and conversations; where we place our focus determines our reality and experience.
So when I decided to break the pattern, I began with my love life. Instead of focusing on a random negative comment that I might hear from my partner, I decided to focus on the many warm and uplifting things instead.
With that in mind, I started a “Relationship Gratitude” note on my iPhone, which soon became a daily gratitude ritual. Every kind word or gesture from my partner found its way there. Within a month, there were over a hundred sweet moments. Revisiting them filled me with gratitude, shifting my focal point to the warmth of our interactions.
When I showed my partner the gratitude list, he loved it and said, “I want to do this with you.” We decided to create a joint “Relationship Gratitude” note on our iPhones, where we could both contribute and easily identify who wrote each entry. Since then, we’ve made it a regular practice to write down what we appreciate about each other and our shared experiences.
Note! It's easy to let this gratitude ritual slide when life gets busy (guilty as charged!), but practice makes progress. I view it as a relationship vitamin; similar to how our skin strengthens with daily nourishment from vitamin-rich skincare, our relationships flourish with daily gratitude. An occasional missed entry might not seem significant, but over time, the essence and magic of your relationship can erode.
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This ritual isn't just about making the other person feel valued; it's rooted in the idea that "what you focus on grows." As you write down each gesture, you amplify what’s good in your relationship and keep the connection healthy and vibrant.
Expressing appreciation not only uplifts those around you, it also radiates a warmth that ignites the glow of gratitude within us—an energy that is undeniably beautiful.
RITUAL: Daily Dose of Gratitude for a Healthy and Vibrant Relationship
This ritual is not limited to romantic relationships--you can apply it to friends and family.
Time: 3–5 minutes
Ingredients: Pen and journal or sticky notes, or the Notes app on your phone
Notes: I like to use the Notes app on my phone so I can share with loved ones and return to it again and again.
1. Jot. Whenever someone makes you feel thankful, whether it’s for something big or small, jot it down.
2. Share. Communicate your appreciation to loved ones, and devise a system to regularly give and get appreciation.
3. Bask. Occasionally (or whenever you need an extra boost of appreciation), reread and bask in the glow of gratitude!
xx,
Angela Jia Kim
Edited excerpt from Radical Radiance by Angela Jia Kim. Copyright © 2022 by the author and reprinted with permission of St. Martin's Publishing Group.
Angela Jia Kim
Founder of Savor Beauty, mom to a teen daughter and mini golden, partner to a sweet soul, forever New Yorker, unfortunate carb lover, hopeless Aries 💞